Nina Toubale, Nina Dellis
…a form letter to those new men who could use some guidance.
I feel like a broken record, so many young fuck boys here looking for that magical sub who don’t know how or where to start. It’s sad really, because it is so easy in our local community to find great women who WANT to fulfill our every fantasy. But you have to know how to give them what they want too. It isn’t that hard. If old, over weight, and not that attractive me can find them they can too.
So I wrote a form letter as a work in progress. What else should I add or change. What is missing?
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How to find a real life sub to fill your wildest fantasies 101; a form letter to those new men who could use some guidance
Our local community is full of hot sexy women who want to fulfill our every fantasy. But you have to know how to approach them and give them what they want too or they will ignore you from the start. Send the wrong message, or red flags, and your chances here are over.
Remember this isn’t Tinder and land of instant gratification or instant sub. If you don’t put in the effort you are not going to get the reward. FetLife is full of kinky SOBs who want to fill our wildest fantasies, but they are bombarded by way to many people who don’t even try. Those people are ignored. It is a sellers’ market and you are the buyer so you gotta put the effort in to differentiate yourself if you want to have fun.
Fully fill out your profile; tell us who you are, what you like and what you are looking for. Talk about yourself, both vanilla and kink and what styles of D/s M/s move you in your profile, but don’t beg or sound needy or talk about your problems. Women get flooded here, it is easier for them to find you then you find them as they have to weed through the constant attention they get. How can potential people tell who you are or what kind of Dom or Master you are from every other fuckboy here with a blank profile? The key is let them find you, that is more likely to happen than you find them since they get inundated by so many people. Be sure they have enough info to know that you are the one they want and differentiate yourself.
Fill out BDSMTEST.ORG and put the results in your profile so others can know what kinks you align with. Don’t bother with people whose tests don’t align with yours. This is the best way for both Dom and sub to know if they are compatible.
Think seriously about what message the pictures you post or like send. Loose the cock shots, shots of sexy women you snagged from the web (that are not yours) and similar pictures that are not yours, they are a turn off and cliché message to those you are looking for. Find pictures that say who you are, not that you can get an erection or download cool pictures and videos.
Slow down and take it easy. Careful with your follows, friending and likes. They do set an example. Make connections with real people you really have met or talked to. Finding and friending and interacting with local people gives you recognition in the feed and helps establish trust. Consider only friending people you have chatted with, and following people only because you like their writings, pictures, crafting or similar. Follow and friend men and women, not just women (it sends a message of being part of the community). Especially friend men, they are your mentors to teach you how to navigate this world. See what works and doesn’t work with them.
Join some local groups, attend some local events and munches. Get to know people IRL. Get vetted for private parties (by attending public events first) where the real play and fun happens. We are mostly an IRL group and watch over each other. This is how most people prefer to meet the first time as it is safe, easy and no obligation. If you are in Asheville, might I suggest starting with the Sandbox, TNG (if you are under 35) and the monthly WNC non monogamous and kinky Q&A events. Come to several events – this is your real key to finding kinky fun.
Do some research. What kind of Dom are you? What kind of sub are you looking for? Do you know the differences? Read around articles on Fet Life. Learn terms, styles, and techniques. Attend local workshops like Rope Bite or other workshops (such as the Q&A skill share group). Follow the more established and local respected people and get to understand why it is working for them. Sit back, observe, learn and see what works for others before you try things that are known to not work or unknowingly send the red flags that say keep away. And never pretend you know more or have more experience than you really do.
When contacting people for the first time, write a short personal letter (no form letter). Point out something you like that they said or did in their profile or elsewhere. Don’t start with sex or what you want to do to them or how hot they are. Tell them what specifically they said or did that you connected with. If they don’t return the message or decline walk away and don’t push it. Or better yet come to a munch, social, shindig or public party and introduce yourself to them there.
FL and the Asheville community is not a Hook up site. We get to know people IRL, we make connections and watch over each other, and then we have some amazing kinky sexy fun with each other.
And because it needs to be said again come to local munches. In reality if you don’t do this the likelihood of finding someone here is pretty low.
Happy hunting, it gets fun around here. See you at a Munch?
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