Sensation Seeking and Masochism

I’ve had a restlessness inside me for as long as I can remember. I have a strong desire for stimulating (novel) experiences and I consider myself to be a “sensation seeker.” I enjoy eating spicy food, I can spend hours wandering art museums and I rarely watch a new movie more than once. I’m not much of a thrill-seeker, but I do have an adventurous nature. I’d rather go for a strenuous hike than do cardio in the gym for a number of reasons. I love being outdoors and the change of scenery helps keep me from becoming bored too easily. There’s also a sense of danger involved. It’s easy to get injured climbing rocks and you never know what kind of wildlife you’ll encounter (hopefully not a mountain lion). When I’m exploring new trails, I feel like a big kid and I don’t think that part of me will ever die.

I feel like SM gives me an outlet to express a side of myself that I’m only now discovering. My belief is that I’ve always been masochistic I just wasn’t aware that that was the case. I’ve always been physically active and I enjoy pushing my body. As much as I enjoy a hard workout, I also love the feeling of being sore the next day. So it makes sense why I’d be drawn to SM in particular in terms of suffering and endurance.

I love discovering new sensations and I’m always curious to know what different toys feel like. I do feel a rush of excitement any time I get to experience an implement for the first time, especially if it’s one I’m a little intimidated trying. I remember the first time I went to a local dungeon and watched a stun gun being used during a scene. Fuck that was hot. In that moment I really did feel like a moth around a flame haha. My eyes probably lit up at the crackling sound and I knew immediately that I had to try it at some point. (Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long because a good friend was nice enough to give me my first taste at Folsom and it was a rush to say the least.)

Early on in my journey into kink I made the effort to try as many new experiences as I could. I knew I was attracted to pain, but I didn’t have any point of reference to judge where my pain tolerance was. I do remember turning a few heads at a munch during my first caning. People seemed to be impressed by how much pain I could take. But I was just focused on enjoying the moment and trying my hardest to keep my smart mouth in check (I failed miserably). That single experience opened my eyes to the pleasures of pain and I had no idea my body could feel that way.

One point I will add is: just because I enjoy pain doesn’t mean that it hurts me any less. When I’m being caned, I still feel the sting as each strike hits my bare ass. But it also feels amazing especially afterwards when it’s hard to sit down. I’m not the kind of masochist who bumps my head and feels tingly downstairs. I do moan during scenes in a non-sexual way. But at least I’m in a dungeon and not a spa where that type of behavior might become awkward and uncomfortable haha.

Another point I will add is: just because I like to play “heavy” doesn’t mean that that’s my only mode of playing. Yes, I enjoy a good beating and I’ve been co-topped before for a short impact play scene that someone watching described as “intense.” But I’ve also enjoyed the experiences where little to no pain was involved. Being tied up is something I look forward to trying again. Maybe even tickling. It’s not always about having “intense” scenes for me. Pain can be sensual too. A singletail was the first thing I ever volunteered to try and I found the experience to be very soothing and afterwards, my body felt nice and relaxed.

One last point: just because I enjoy certain types of pain doesn’t mean that I’ll enjoy all types of pain. Being flogged on my bare chest can at times hurt more than being caned on my bare ass. It all depends on how hard I’m being hit and for how long, among other factors (location makes a huge difference). There’s still potential for me to “suffer” for a dominant if I choose to go down that route. I’m sure there are plenty of creative and painful ways to torture me that I haven’t discovered yet.

As a masochistic bottom, I like it when a Top feels comfortable enough with me to let loose on me. But if you’re looking to hear screams or cries out of me, you’ll likely be disappointed. I’ve been described as a “quiet bottom” when it comes to emoting. I think the word stoic could fit as well. That being stated, I never go into a scene trying to be the “ultimate badass” like a character out of a Cormac McCarthy novel. I know my body and I know when something is wrong. And I’m not afraid to let my Top know if I have to stop a scene.

If you really want to get a reaction out of me, just tickle me. Seriously. I’m super ticklish around my stomach especially. It’s my biggest physical weakness. Tickling is the fastest way to reduce me to a squirming mess of whimpers and heavy breathing. Being tied up with my stomach exposed is the most helpless I’ve ever felt and being tickled in front of an audience was deliciously evil. But also a lot of fun.

I see my body in many ways. My body is my temple. My body is a machine. My body is a canvas. And my body is an instrument.

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