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Nina Dellis / Nina Toubale Facebook
Nina Dellis / Nina Toubale Instagram
He locks the door behind us and turns to me. My mouth is so dry that swallowing is painful, and I watch with wide eyes as he slowly, deliberately takes off his rings.
“Wh-what are you doing?” I stammer.
“Well,” he says, “I don’t want to break your nose… or knock out any of your teeth, for that matter. And that may well happen if I leave these on.”
My heart starts to pound and the sudden rush of fear turns my loins to liquid in an instant.
He’s about to hurt me; I know that. He’s going to choke me, slap me to the ground, kick me and yell at me, and he’s not going to stop until he wants to, no matter how much I cry, beg or plead. By the time we leave this room, he will have, quite literally, beaten me into submission – mentally and physically.
Normally so sweet, so funny, so easygoing, so fucking gentle and kind, he’s become dark. Sadistic. Furious. Terrifying.
Deep down, I trust him with my life. I know that he knows what he’s doing and I also know that no matter how angry he seems, how frightening and alien he appears to be in that room, the safeword will always, always stop it. I need only utter it.
But as his expression changes, as I see the darkness creep into his eyes and hear the brutality suddenly apparent in his voice, as his fingers wrap around my throat and he raises his other hand, my terror is absolute – so absolute that I can feel it dripping down my thighs…
This type of play is so different to what I’m accustomed to – but I’ve always wanted it. Always fantasized about it. Secretly, as though I were ashamed. Why is that? I can be naked in a warehouse full of people and have rings sutured to my breasts, have my skin sliced open with scalpels, have my ass ripped to shreds with various implements – but God forbid anyone saw that I like this kind of play. Not only because someone would undoubtedly end up calling the police, but because of the general stigma attached.
And I’m forced to ask myself: why is that?
Why is it perfectly acceptable for my Sir to hit me when I’m tied spread-eagled on a cross, but not when I’m standing in front of him or lying at his feet? Why can he hit me everywhere except across the face? Why is it fine for him to use a cane on my backside until I’m bleeding, but not for him to kick me until I crawl across the floor, sobbing? Why can a woman have skewers pushed through her breasts in one corner of the room and everyone watches and applauds, fascinated, but if I’m being taken down in another corner, it’s so much more likely that a DM will intervene? When did we decide that one form of play is more acceptable than another?
I constantly come across pictures here on Fet that make me squirm – many in a good way, others in a squeamish way. And that’s just the way I like it. We kinky folk are judged enough by the vanilla world – we don’t need to judge each other. If you like having someone stick a toilet brush in your hoo-ha, more power to you. If you want to be banned from talking, or cumming, or if you want someone to kick your balls until they’re purple, that’s all fine and dandy with me. Whatever crumbles your cookie. But don’t judge me. Live and let live.
No doubt some people will comment on this and use the magic word: trigger. Too many women (and way more men than you’d think) are forced to endure this type of ‘play’ on a regular basis and it’s not consensual. They don’t get to choose. They don’t get to have a safeword. And it makes sense that witnessing it could bring all kinds of unhappy memories to the forefront. I understand that. I respect it. Abuse of any kind is never okay. EVER.
But let me say something else about that, at the risk of becoming extremely unpopular: No-one is making them watch. I’ve been in abusive relationships. Not all abuse is physical. And there are SO many other things that can trigger some individuals. Some people can’t stand the sight of blood. Some men undoubtedly aren’t keen to witness the male sub currently enjoying some hardcore CBT in the corner.
I guess what I’m trying to say in my tired, rambling way is: ‘Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay’ should be all-encompassing. It should include ALL forms of play, so long as they’re consensual and both parties know what they’re doing.
Just a couple of cents I had to get off my chest. Thank you for reading.
Edited to add, after I received a couple of PMs about this: My post wasn’t meant to sound scary. It was meant to highlight the disconnect I see here so often – the way some extreme forms of play are applauded and others condemned, and the fact that I find that unfair when both parties are informed and consenting in both scenarios.
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