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Nina Dellis / Nina Toubale Facebook
Nina Dellis / Nina Toubale Instagram
… the darndest things happen.
A few short weeks ago, I reached a point in my life where everything except my career was up in the air. It was intended to be a time for self-reflection and healing; to focus on nothing but myself. I flew home from Thailand to Germany to stay with my Mum for a couple of months, and then in August I’m going to the States for a few weeks to see family, ramp up my career both as an author and an editor, and meet some amazing friends.
After that? I had no idea. See where the wind blows me. Maybe rent a little cottage somewhere pretty – south of France, Spain, Greece – and write for a few months. Be undisturbed. That old cliche: find myself.
The last thing I wanted was another relationship. Besides, I was fairly convinced I’d never find everything I was looking for in one man: intelligent, funny, kind, loyal, reliable, creative, Dominant, sadistic, independent, someone my age or not too much older who still hadn’t settled down and started a family yet – but who still wanted to, if everything fit.
Still, I’d heard a lot about the German scene and didn’t see any harm in checking it out. I’m kinky as fuck, the Germans are kinky as fuck – I’d be a fool not to, right? Besides, a girl has needs. Nothing wrong with making some new friends; maybe finding a casual play partner to tide me over. I do read and write about BDSM and sex all day for a living… that can get frustrating as all hell if you’re in a prolonged period of forced abstinence. So I checked out some local groups and sent out a couple of messages and friend requests.
That’s how I met him.
He was pretty much in the same boat; in an open, casual relationship with a vanilla chick, rebuilding his life after some things had gone terribly wrong, working on his own demons from the past. He wasn’t looking, either.
We agreed to meet, we went to a museum, we went for something to eat, we talked. We laughed. We talked some more, and laughed some more. We fucking clicked.
It was eerie. We have so much in common it’s ridiculous. Past demons, very similar personality traits, a huge range of interests, kink, creative professions, the same goals in life, the same fears, the same habit of helping others to the point of almost breaking ourselves.
The more time we spent together, the more I was forced to realise that he ticked every single box on my ‘ideal partner’ wish list – including some I didn’t even know I had. And, apparently, I ticked all his boxes as well.
Not only is he extremely intelligent, funny as all hell, kind, considerate, generous, creative, easygoing, protective, reliable, open to trying new things and fascinated by the same topics as me, but he’s a one-woman man. For a girl like me, who’s used to feeling like I’m never enough, it’s heavenly. He says it’s easy to make a thousand woman happy once – it’s making one woman happy a thousand times that’s worth striving for. He’s also got that quiet inner dominance which I really respond to. I never went in for that chest-pounding, ‘Obey Me for I am DOM’ attitude… I far prefer the guy who barely lets you feel the leash most of the time, but when he does pull it, he yanks it so hard you fall to your knees without a second thought. I’m strong. I’m independent. I’m fucking opinionated and cheeky. Some people have told me that that means I’m not a ‘real’ submissive – I call bullshit on that one. I’m just not submissive to everyone. I’m a strong woman who needs an even stronger man to look up to and respect. I don’t sit at his feet because he ordered me to – he knows he doesn’t need to. I sit there because it centres me, because I want to. Because that’s where I feel I belong.
He’s also a natural Daddy Dom; something I’ve always secretly wanted to find but never really had – until now. He’s never been able to explore that side of himself before either, so it’s a new experience for both of us, but so far we’re loving it. I love curling up in his lap and feeling safe. I adore being able to squee over purple and glitter and shiny and to see him not only enjoy watching me, but surprise me with little gifts – provided I’m a good girl. I can be cheeky without having to worry that he’ll be offended. He loves my wit and my smart mouth, and he enjoys keeping me on my toes: 99% of the time I get away with it, but not always. Oh, and he’s sadistic. So very deliciously, evilly, creatively sadistic. We’re taking things slowly on that front: he’s been burned in the past by wannabe masochists and of course we need to ‘learn’ each other, but he likes to play just as hard as I do, and the way his whole face changes when he’s hurting me makes me weak at the knees.
It’s not the right time, not for either of us, but he’s helping me deal with my issues. He listens to me for hours, holds me when I cry and then gives me entirely new perspectives on things. He’s helping me heal and I suspect I’m doing the same for him… what can I say? We’ve both been through it – but if anything, it makes us appreciate one another even more.
Am I on the rebound? Possibly – but I really hope not. I’m going into this with my eyes wide, wide open, and it’s actually the people around me who are telling me to just go with it, to let it happen, that if it feels right, it must be. That they can’t remember the last time they’ve seen me so happy. That, even though I keep saying it’s not the right time, everything happens for a reason and I’ll regret it if I don’t give this a chance. I guess time will tell – but in the meantime, I’m enjoying every second of the ride…
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