A Question of Consent.

So. About a year and half ago, I was raped? Sort of? I think? Anyway, here’s the story:

I was in Grad school. At a party with fellow students and professors at my Advisor’s house. It wasn’t like a kegger or anything, just a bunch of intellectuals hanging out and chatting and drinking. I was wine-drunk. I don’t even like wine, but I’d been downing white wine all night. Around 1am, when the party broke up, a bunch of us went out to a bar. (I left my car at the my professor’s house. I didn’t drink and drive, don’t worry about that.) While at the bar, I texted my sort-of-boyfriend.

Now, this guy. Let’s call him John. We weren’t really dating. But I liked him, and he liked me. We’d hung out a bunch. he had even cooked for me a couple times. But we hadn’t kissed yet or anything. Honestly, we had barely held hands. John and I had agreed to go slow. Snail’s pace kind of slow. Sounds dumb? I don’t care. Deal with it. I didn’t want the relationship to be just about sex.

Anyway, I texted him to come pick me up from the bar. It was late, I didn’t have my car, and I was in no shape to drive anyway. I thought I was doing the responsible thing.

When he picks me up, I’m giggly and friendly and a little loud. He thinks I’m cute and takes me to his apartment. I’d been there before, it was no big deal. And we decided to hang out and watch Archer for a while. At his house, he gets me another drink (a bottled cider? maybe?).

By this time, I’m way too drunk to be upright. The world is spinning. And he’s become what seems like an octopus. His hands are on me, his arms around me. I keep backing away, partly because I want to lay down and partly because I wanted to not be strangled.

I think the Archer episode was the one that happened in Space, but I don’t remember specifics.

When we decide that it’s time for bed, John asks if I want to sleep on the futon or in his room with him. I chose to sleep in the bed with him. I’ve slept in a bed with friends before. It’s no big deal, right?

John and I stay up for several hours just talking and cuddling. I liked it. We even talked about us and our relationship, which I thought was nice. We spoke about our decision to go slow and I thanked him profusely for doing that for me.

Then he kissed me. It was sweet. And he asked if it was okay. And I said yes.

I said yes to kissing.

And it seems like the next thing I know, he’s inside me, with no condom, and all I can do is lay there and let it happen? My alcohol-addled brain doesn’t know how to stop it, or even what is really happening.

I was confused.

I didn’t know how to make my mouth move. I didn’t know how to stop it.

We had decided to go slow. We had agreed to that.

But John’s penis was inside me. And his tongue felt too big in my mouth. And his hands fumbled around me. And I wasn’t even wet.

He pulled away. Told me to ride him. And I did. I rode him for a few minutes. Until his dick was too soft to stay inside me. Until my stomach was too upset to be upright.

Neither of us orgasmed.

John rolled over and fell asleep. I rolled over and curled myself into a ball.

When I confronted him a few days later, he truly didn’t understand what he’d done wrong. Once I explained to him how he’d hurt me, John blamed alcohol. (But he’d been driving? He couldn’t have been that drunk?). He pleaded with me not to hate him. He told me that he’s “not that guy” and that something like this has never happened before.

A friend tried to comfort me. A friend slept with me to erase the memory but I just cried every time he did. It’s not his fault. My friend was genuinely being just that: a good friend.

But with John? What was that? I didn’t consent. At least, I don’t think I did? I know I was drunk. But that shouldn’t matter, right? When he said “Is this alright?”, we were only kissing. Did I miss a conversation that happened between the first kiss and him entering me?

It still sort of haunts me now. I keep second-guessing myself.

Was it rape?

  • Was it rape because I didn’t say yes?
  • Was it rape because I was intoxicated and not in my right mind?

Was it not rape?

  • Was it not rape because I was sort of dating him?
  • Was it not rape because I said “yes” to kissing?

So- Here’s my question. This is what I’m asking.

Was it rape? Did John rape me? Was I raped?

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