Something is going on with my hormones… lol I can’t shake the sadness I’ve been feeling. So I have been reflecting
On paper, I cook, I clean, I am sexually adventurous, and I am submissive by nature. The only thing missing is I am financially challenged, looking for a full-time job in admin support… I am not a runway model but neither do I need a bag over my face. I’m a great catch, I would like to think. So why do I feel like the moment I get into the boat I get thrown back into the ocean.
Granted I don’t want ‘fish love’, the type of love that consumes, NRE to some, being ‘in love to others. I mean sure ‘fish love’ is a place to start but it isn’t sustainable.
All around me I see people loving emotional vampires and souls suckers. Destroying themselves because of their love for their partner.
Love isn’t supposed to be about authority, control or power. But I look around and see so many struggle with it. Most my relationships end because they tried to cage my free spirit. I have given all my power only once in my life and that was to my husband… and all I got from it was insecurity. So no, I won’t be giving up my power any time soon. I may fall in love easily but I don’t get attached. I submit easily and serve like a slave but no one truly owns me. I reserve the right to walk away. I rarely do… I am pretty good a waning interest in me, if I don’t get thrown away, right away. I know every person I have met to date, are not the ‘one’. There’s always complications, prior comittments and if they are like me, prior comittments supercede subsquent possibilities. I will never sacrifice one relationship for another, and I will never ask that of anyone I love.
But I wonder if I ever want to commit to someone like I did to my husband ever again. I do miss a lot of that focus and direction I had when I was committed to someone like that. But how do I trust that much again? Especially, when most of those whom I meet I am not really attracted to. Just because I love someone doesn’t mean I desire or am attracted to them.
The last man I was really attracted to enough for me to ‘chase’, basically slapped me in the face when he said I was acting like a stalker. That was the last time I pursued any man. Now, I’ll go only as far as telling a man he intrigues me. But if he doesn’t satisfy that curiosity with honest and voluntary disclosure, that attraction stops rather quickly. And if he is open with me but isn’t emotionally available… well it stalls the relationship sometimes choking it out.
I would guesstimate 90% of men who approach me only desire the possibilities I offer not me. And most times the possibilities are based only on their wants and needs with no consideration to my own. And for fun well, it is what it is. A fling, a romp, something to do.
The other 10% Well… they are great friends. Yet, I can’t see them any more than ‘framily’, close endearing and enduring friends.
On paper, we could be more. To others we seem as more. But reality, I am just a friend, not the love of their life and to be fair they are not the love of my life.
I so envy couples that have real love, I have even seen that love in poly groups… like the triad I’ll be celebrating their commitment with, in a about month. Their sense of home with each other, these people are so blessed.
I hate the question what do you want. I want truth, honesty, no matter how much it hurts. For once though I’d love for the truth to not hurt… just once would be so amazing. I want someone to help me up and empower me, not carry me. Not do something for me out of pity or to have me owe them. I don’t want to be dependent on them, I want to be part of their life in a significant way, not just for fun.
Actually, what I really want is an end to all this struggle and uncertainty. It is kind of hard when 99 % of people I know are uncertain, lack confidence, don’t trust anyone. The 1% who do have their life together, have no interest in me beyond a playmate or acquaintance. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. I am grateful for all the friendships I have.
I don’t have a tribe. It has always been this way for me. I have always felt outside of the loop, not allowed in the inner circle. I really would like to know why. It is hard to not think that there is something wrong with me but then again it takes two… I can be the best person I can be but if no one wants me, no one wants me. I could give everything and still not be loved… the story of my marriage. No one can make someone love. Love is either there or not.
Desire is often mistaken for love. But I am no longer fooled… I can spot ‘fish love’ (desire, attraction, lust, obsession, infatuation, NRE, etc.) instantly and usually, within 3-6 months I can tell if I should hope for more than ‘fish love’ or realize that is all there is. That’s not bad or good. It just is. Plenty are happy with ‘fish Love’. It’s just not what I want for the rest of my life as the only love I’ve received. I want real love.
On paper, I’m a great catch. On paper everything looks good. I wish I could be happy with what’s on paper.
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