Firsts: 22

We’re at a music festival in an industrial parking lot surrounded by the city’s fleet of garbage trucks. Our first date was supposed to end two days ago.

He has his arm draped over my shoulders and I have mine around his waist. I can smell the sunscreen I helped him put on earlier in the day as the sun beat down on us and the asphalt.

The last encore is about to start when a choir files in. All of us in the crowd are sun-dazed and tired and starting to feel the evening chill, but we look around curiously to see what’s happening. The band begins to cover “Where is My Mind” with the choir singing harmony.

I close my eyes and feel music and brand spanking new love and desire and contentment pour into me, and the fullness of my heart overflows and rises into my throat and begins to stream from my eyes. My head drops back and he leans in to ask if I’m ok. I nod, eyes still closed. He kisses my cheek and then exaggeratedly slurps up one of my tears, making me dissolve into snorting giggles.

The song ends and I stand for a moment clutching him as I begin to feel the crowd moving past us toward the exits. I open my eyes, turn to him and say, “I’m so glad I’m alive to be here with you.” It’s the first time I truly understand what depression could cost me.


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