Something is missing – London UK, Kemp Town UK, Falmer UK, Backpage, BDSM, Escorts, Bondage, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, Bulimia, Anorexia – Nina Toubale / Nina Dellis

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Nina Dellis, Nina Toubale, Unired Kingdom BDSM, France BDSM, London UK Backpage, Brighton UK Backpage, Burgess Hill UK Backpage, Haywards Heath UK Backpage, London UK BDSM, Brighton UK BDSM, Burgess Hill UK BDSM, Haywards Heath UK BDSM, London UK Bondage, Brighton UK Bondage, Burgess Hill  Bondage, Haywards Heath UK Bondage, Backpage, BDSM, Escorts, Bondage, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, Bulimia, Anorexia Nina Dellis, Nina Toubale, Unired Kingdom BDSM, France BDSM, London UK Backpage, Brighton UK Backpage, Burgess Hill UK Backpage, Haywards Heath UK Backpage, London UK BDSM, Brighton UK BDSM, Burgess Hill UK BDSM, Haywards Heath UK BDSM, London UK Bondage, Brighton UK Bondage, Burgess Hill  Bondage, Haywards Heath UK Bondage, Backpage, BDSM, Escorts, Bondage, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, Bulimia, Anorexia Nina Dellis, Nina Toubale, Unired Kingdom BDSM, France BDSM, London UK Backpage, Brighton UK Backpage, Burgess Hill UK Backpage, Haywards Heath UK Backpage, London UK BDSM, Brighton UK BDSM, Burgess Hill UK BDSM, Haywards Heath UK BDSM, London UK Bondage, Brighton UK Bondage, Burgess Hill  Bondage, Haywards Heath UK Bondage, Backpage, BDSM, Escorts, Bondage, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, Bulimia, Anorexia

I’ve had a couple of Erotica pieces rattling in my head but just can’t write the words.

I’ve had the amost amazing adventures but just can’t enjoy them.

And it’s driving me crazy… and that ride is very short… lol

I have an awesome Dom and a BFFF… what could a girl want more? Two men who care deeply for me and think I deserve so much more fron life.

Sure things are not perfect and could be better… but that is life.

I mean I love where I work… the customers, the atmosphere but I miss my late owner… her diplomacy and fairness… her consideration and appreciation. It is still fun to work there, I just don’t enjoy it.

I enjoyed being a nanny but they haven’t paid me plus they aren’t using me so I am not earning anything either… it sucks and I really am disappointed.

I won a poker tournament, my Sir was so proud… but my winnings went quickly to my youngest nephew’s baptism (gift and offertory at mass), manicure for a job interview (which is another long story), my kids treated them to pizza, and my BFFF with take out (we had not hung out in weeks)… then cuz I haven’t been working at the club much well I barely made ends meet… again…

I am not complaining. I’ve been scraping by for 3 years and somehow it all works out… just with a lot of struggle and heart ache… tough decisions of well it is going to have to be next time.

It is exhausting… and extremely frustrating. I look around at other women and think damn I wish I was as lucky as them… one friend doesn’t have to work but she does cuz she is bored… one friend doesn’t have to work cuz her hubby got a job in the states and she got wisked down there… then there is my Dom’s wife… she has a career, a beautiful home and a man who loves her so much. I admire his devotion to her and how he gives me my freedom to find something like that for me.

I have to confess I do love my Dom… what we have is fun, exciting, electric even. He is training me in so many ways, pushing my limits and respecting them at the same time. He inspires me to write, I wish I had the words… I’m blocked. (I have theories and suspicions as to why but the reasons are beyond my control… I just have to keep open to seeing where the work arounds might pop up.) Sir and I have developed great connections… I can look in his eyes and know what he is feeling and know he knows what I am feeling. In different circumstances, we could be a lot more. But it is what it is and it is awesome… it doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be more. I do appreciate and value what we have and recognize this is all it is going to be in the foreseeable future.

Such is life being polyamorous. We love and accept that we have to compromise to accommodate those we love. Sure things would be better if those who think love is about competition, not compersion would fucking grow up and stop comparing and accounting playing the game of quid pro quo. But meh, that is human nature.

I am starting to be weary of the adventure, wanting to find home. Sort of like when a person is on vacation too long and wanting to sleep in their own bed. Things are still fun but the joy seems to be lacking.

I long for that feeling of home… that mixure of confidence and competence, comfort and security. I’d like to say acceptance and support but I’ve realized I never really had acceptance and support, so I don’t know if that feels like home… I deluded myself into believing I had people’s acceptance (but all I had was them wanting me to be what they envisioned me to be) and support (I had their encouragement but not really their support)… I fooled myself to believing that they just wanted to give me space to find my own way and pushed me with criticism… but with exception to the handful who are in my life right now who accept me, I have never really had the empowering support that I see so many others get from their partners and bosses. No one really has my back… it’s just me I guess that is a good thing cuz no one can stab me in the back. People just stab me in the heart and at least I see it coming.

Now, I am not saying by wanting support that I want a sugar daddy or mama.. though would be nice… lol I am saying I am tired of the negativity around me. It makes it so hard for me to enjoy the little I have when people who have so much more than me do such ugly things and project such ugly energy… so much focus on what they don’t have and wanting it to a point of misery rather than trying to figure out whether or not it reallt is for them.

That is why I really don’t want anything from anyone. I just want them to be themselves. I want tgem to feel free to be themselves. I don’t chase because I just don’t want… I have lost my desire but I have not lost my passion.

It kills me when I see people use love and devotion to control the people who love and are devoted to them. It burns me up inside how their fear of losing that love and devotion causes them to do things to kill that love and devotion. I see it everywhere… how fear inspires the worse behaviour… lies, jealousy, and spite.

My Dom said to me “Athena, you are too honest sometimes.” And that made me sad… not at what he said about me but because what he said is so true and it is sad that people punish honesty more than lies and makes being honest a liability. I thought it is sad that being ‘too’ honest is a thing. How can there be such a thing as too much honesty?

This world is so fucked up.

Now, I could change and not be truthful and forthright but then I’ll be repeating my mistakes and not being me. I’m too honest because there is enough, plenty, no actually way too much dishonesty in the the world. When I broke away from conventional wisdom, I vowed to be the change I want to see in the world.

So I am too honest… I could be worse things… like too obedient or too humble or too compliant…

And truth be told, I may speak the honest truth but I don’t always speak. And I always regret not speaking up. That is the mistake always repeat, not speaking up. I get I have to find restraint, diplomacy, tact but it rarely turns out well withholding what I see. For some reason someone else can speak to what I see and they are respected. I speak up and I am the messenger they shoot or want to make an example of or reject.

And I am tired of that too. Being honest and rejected because people choose to be offended by what I say.

I am really exhausted by this world of damned if you do and damned if you don’t and…

No One Is to Blame
Howard Jones

You can look at the menu, but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushion, but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can’t commit the sin
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can’t live in it
You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won’t get lost
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can’t reach it
It’s the last piece of the puzzle but you just can’t make it fit
Doctor says you’re cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame



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Nina Toubal e - sensory deprivation, asphyxia, suffocation with plastic bags - BDSM
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