I’ve searched all evening trying to find the “off switch” for a few of the old vulnerabilities that flared up earlier this evening. I’ve managed to “turn down the volume” to get it semi under wraps again, I’ve yet to find a way to shut it down completely though I’m working on it hardcore since I’m not one to stay down for long. One “non comment” stating they weren’t going to comment on a drawing I’d done and Bam!….my brain and emotions time traveled all the way back when I was a younger TOU age. It ripped down every safeguard, every wall, unraveled every bit of work I’d done to repair those old scars. It felt like a slap in the face which I’d have gotten over much faster by anger bubbling to the surface like a simmering volcano. Anger I know how to deal with, it’s pulled me through many a times when the depression otherwise would’ve put me down and out for days, maybe weeks….it did help knowing this person is always critical, sarcastic and enjoys being a total arse even on good days. They like to prod and goad people, it’s their nature so right or wrong is a mute point plus they’ve had no formal training and could pick up charcoals or paint and whatever they do come out picture perfect which is fantastic, it’s a gift to not be ignored if you’re lucky enough to have it. A part of me wanted to automatically apologize for being inadequate and not up to par with their level of art. I caught myself thinking I don’t think so, not this time, I owe no one an apology for not being “good enough” for them for whatever the reasons behind it. I was shocked how hard that hit, I’d worked my arse off on that damned drawing for days and was proud as punch on the improvements I’ve made and I still am.
Have I allowed it to fully keep me down? No, I’ve worked on it more this evening, I’m still proud of the achievements in a few new tweaks and changes I’ve learned and made. I’m not that little girl anymore despite being thrown back to those days, feeling vulnerable somewhat at the moment due to those feelings rushing back. I’m not that child who was torn down and fed negatives that I used to hear several times a day and had to hide how painful it was and how much it hurt, covering my face with pillows or going off to myself to cry nearly every single night or day.
I have no idea how I’ll handle it the next time for sure yet other then reigning my temper in for that “next time”. They’ll be no tearing down, no flashbacks and zero tolerance with a huge dose of “fuck off”. You’re more then welcome to give guidance, advice, pointers or any tricks of the trade to share, you can keep your hidden crap wrapped up in a pretty package of “no comment”, then refusing to tell me when asked what you were going to say, off my work, off my wall and the fuck away from me. It may be my place to control my own part of it, which i did by going offline, walking off and heading outside for fresh air, to allow my emotions to settle and to hash it over.
When it comes down to it there’s a line there you don’t cross if you know you’re just being a pure dick because everyone else lets you away with it.
I don’t tolerate that trash from my own family anymore, what makes people think I’ll tolerate it from them? The point is I don’t, or at least not for a second helping or I’ll take the pot your stirring and dump it over your head while beating you and the pot with that precious spoon of yours.
Ain’t no one got time for that kind of shit.
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