Relationship Triggers

We talk about triggers in play.

I have only one major trigger in play (involving my mouth)- that has been identified that is.

However, I admit that I have several relationship triggers that have shaped my difficulty in committing as well as how I respond to stress or hurt (whether legitimate or not) once I do commit to someone.
Relationship Triggers:

Past relationship traumas that we have allowed to carve fear in our hearts and minds. Whether it’s fear of abandonment (guilty right here), infidelity, abuse, or fear of being used for namesake or who you know or what you can offer (also guilty here)- whatever common or not so common trigger exists, we all have them.

It’s what we do with them that really matters and determines whether we open or close the doors to possibilities.

If we allow our triggers to dictate us, we live with closed hearts and refuse to truly let a person in. We don’t even give that person a real chance. I have been guilty of this.

We live with the logic of “you’re guilty until you prove innocent.”

That is dangerous logic. I have been on the receiving end of that logic and it flat out sucks, I know. Yet, I am guilty of using that logic too. It’s harmful, it leads us to assume the worse when handling delicate moments and we often misperceive the situation. We focus on clouded theories demonized by past relationships and events. Reality can even be skewed or at a minimum, we give unnecessary attention to the smallest of details and inflate the intentions or motives behind them.

We quit on people before we ever truly give them a chance.

It’s important, extremely important, to be self aware and know what things trigger emotions from past traumas. It’s vital that we make our partners aware of those things and communicate through those obstacles.

It’s beneficial to recognize that when you’re hurt or emotional for legitimate reasons, that past emotional triggers are at a higher risk of surfacing for trivial non-related things. It makes sense, you’re already hurt and vulnerable, you feel wronged, and maybe you have been wronged. Your feelings are real and accurate… until they are not. You look for anything that will allow you to put up your defenses as if the original real hurt wasn’t enough. We must not let triggers cloud the real issues.

Our legitimized hurt and pain does not give us a free pass to pull out everything from our past.

It’s also crucial that we don’t allow ourselves to fall back to triggers, nor to use them to assign guilt on a person when that guilt isn’t truly there. We can not let triggers excuse our actions or emotions. I too have been guilty of this.

And what if we are on the other side of these triggers? What if it’s our partners being triggered and consequently projecting it onto us? We should try to understand our partners but not let them succumb to these fears set off by the past. We should make an effort to be mindful but we should not be entirely delicate in our handling. Should these triggers get set off, we must not sugar coat it nor allow our partners to focus on their past wounds. Let us not immediately quit on them but let us tough love them if necessary. Let’s call them out on their shit for lack of better wording. Remind them that we are not their past partners. We deserve a fair chance if we are going to remain in their lives. Make them recognize that growth is necessary. Healing is necessary. Let us give them a chance and be a part of that healing and growth. Let us continue to love even if with toughness.

For the triggered- there must also be the desire for growth. We must be committed to conquering our fears and letting go of past pain. We must be willing to try to keep triggers at bay or rid of them entirely.

I have a desire and motivation to grow here. I recognize my past relationship traumas and the demons that they have formed within me. I have faced them and at times, I have allowed them to conquer me and consequently I have either ran, or I have pushed away the people I care for most. I have even avoided relationships and commitments all together (2.5 years to be exact) because of fears.

It stops. I want to face them. I will hold myself accountable.

If we can make a commitment to grow and heal past these fears and past these demons- to give people the benefit of the doubt, then maybe- just maybe a person might surprise you and fill (or continue to fill) your heart with such happiness and fullness, that you won’t be able to recall why you had a trigger in the first place.



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